mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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