I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
