You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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