HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
