I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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