Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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