Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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