I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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