Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!