her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?