All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
