i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.