I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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