I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
