This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
