Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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