Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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