i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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