When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
