Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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