I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
