Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
