You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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