sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
