The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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