Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
