remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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