Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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