no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus