when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively