fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.