I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
