I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
