my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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