The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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