can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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