dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just invented taco cereal.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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