Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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