Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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