Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
