So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize