So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
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I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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