I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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