I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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