do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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