I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
