I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
