Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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