I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
