Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
