just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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