I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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