A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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