Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
