My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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