You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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