update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
