If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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