my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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