I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
