happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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