Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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