6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
