apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
