I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
