i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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