I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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