Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
